Swine flu cured

#106. Make light of swine flu. For a while there it looked as if we were all destined to be struck down by swine flu. Front page headlines had the country on a knife edge, our lives and livelihoods at risk. Forget Joburg taxis, the Taliban (a little less dangerous than Joburg taxi drivers) and giant meteors, it was all going to end with a sneeze and a cough. (See The Wild Frontier for A Case of hype gone too far).

And just when it looked as if it wasn’t worth complaining that you didn’t score tickets to the Soccer World Cup final because you would be dead by 2010, the threat dissipated. And Hayibo is reporting that the Cape Town suburb of Fish Hoek was the first to be declared officially free of the deadly infection – although it is small consolation as according to the site “most South Africans would rather contract the disease and haemorrhage out of their orifices than live [there]”.

The report goes on to say that: “World health bodies have regularly warned tourists about visiting Fish Hoek, one of the few settlements in Africa where clinical depression is contagious and can be caught simply by looking at the town’s architecture… the town was free of swine flu, possibly because nobody from the outside world ever traveled there willingly.

“South Africans should consider Fish Hoek their port in a viral storm,” explained Dr Frottage Croissant. “You will be safe in Fish Hoek. Depressed, yes, and perhaps murderously bored, but safe.”

Fish Hoek’s mayor … said residents were very excited about the imminent arrival of the 1970s, due to hit Fish Hoek some time next year, which would bring such benefits as colour television and contraceptives.

However, he said contraceptives would probably not be needed as nobody had had sex in Fish Hoek since March 1957 when Darrel Sludge tripped over a garden gnome and repeatedly fell on his wife.

He added that the town’s teen suicide rate was also very low, mainly because there were no trees tall enough to hang from.”

Early this morning, in another scoop, the same site was reporting that “As billions of people continue to remain healthy, media organizations say they have grave concerns that the current outbreak of swine flu might not evolve into a global pandemic. “This is a doomsday scenario for us,” said a media spokesman. “We’ve invested hundreds of millions in pandemic scare-mongering, and we really need this one to pay off.”

Speaking to themselves this morning, media stables confirmed that they were now bracing for a catastrophic non-pandemic, as reports continue to flood in of areas unaffected by swine flue.” To read the rest of this story, click here.

It seems there is a cure for swine flu after all. Try casting some pearls before it …

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *